Talk:FuSoTech World Survival
Nice.Jareroden97 18:10, February 18, 2010 (UTC) Thanks, I'm continuing this as much as possible, I don't have any ideas for other stories, so I'll be writing this one. Well, if Ackron had to die, he at least had a cool death. Luckily not eaten by Mephiles... NOTE: This was meant as a compliment I know. Toa Fairon How many chapters are there going to be? [[User:ThatDevilGuy|'''That]][[User talk:ThatDevilGuy|'Devil']][[User:ThatDevilGuy/That Devious Club|'Guy']] [[TDC|'TDC']] I cannot specify that as of yet. Toa Fairon Official NRC Review Okay, there are going to be three sections to my review: the plot, the writing, and the feel of the story. I'll begin with the plot. Plot To be honest, I wasn't very impressed. The plot here isn't terribly complex, and it seems like I've seen much of this before, and better done, too. This seems to me like an under-average FTTD story, little different from all the others that exist at this point. The Eternal Game is still the best of its kind, in my view. I want to point out the many, many things in this story that are cliche or don't make any sense because they involve something the author obviously expects us to know already. (Of course, having been told already by the author, I already know them, but that still isn't excusable.) They all are ineffective ways of advancing the plot, and are listed below. *Why the Karzahni is FuSoTech creating all these beings? That is something that I am sure everyone would want to know, including the competitors themselves. (Just because I know doesn't mean the readers do.) **But then, for some reason all the competitors automatically seem to know what's going on and what they're meant to do, even if the readers don't. *Why is FuSoTech intermittently helping contestants by setting up conveniently-placed signs and trying to kill them? **Indeed, why is he killing them at all? *From the point where SCaDOS conveniently explains everything onward, it's terribly predictable. **And why would someone give a tank weapons that are useless against their enemies if you know it beforehand? *Except, of course, the utter deus ex machina with Raanu-G, rationalized by the fact that he "guessed" exactly where to find them and how to rescue them. *Why the Karzahni does FST come to the building, prepare to kill the Toa, then suddenly change his mind? **Then later he says he wants them eliminated. But it can't be as easy as Void killing them then and there like he did Rantu; they have to bring them to FST's palace, right? *The logic sounds worse and worse as the story progresses. So Rellier and Sauron are fighting to the death? That's easy to believe if you have a proper reason. Sauron insulting Rellier is not, in my mind, a proper reason. *How can Sauron not know who FuSoTech is if he just briefed him? *And if Ackron doesn't know who the beings confronting him are, then why is it that he can list their names and deduce the fact that Iruka is the host for Kinyami? *What is Helryx's reasoning for jumping out and attacking all those enemies and then later giving up once she "notices they're outnumbered?" *''Of course'' the tower-like structure has to be FST's palace. And they know that how? **Oh, and Janneus just knows the sniper's FST, right? (But it isn't; it's Ralox. Janneus is supposed to be smart enough not to jump to conclusions like that.) ***Also, how do the beings running away from FST know Janneus is thinking about FST? **And the building has a star on it. Therefore, it has to be special, right? *They're worried about being captured, so they choose not to attack a guard. Yet they give their names to one. Tell me that's what you would do. *This isn't really an error with the story's logic, but three Toa (Zlatrix, Shayla, and Jericho) against three Makuta (Kutrax, Kunaku, and Malox) seems like an unfair fight (for the Toa, at any rate). How would that be a sticky situation for three Makuta? (And the situation in Karda Nui doesn't count; not only were the Toa Nuva the most powerful Toa alive, but the Makuta had no intentions of killing them until they awakened Mata Nui.) **Besides, Toa don't kill in cold blood; that would be a violation of the Toa Code. *Why is it that in this story, no one ever seems to miss people who have passed on "been exterminated"? Poor Rantu... Sorry if I sound nitpicky here, but these are a lot of things that can and will discourage or at the very least disappoint readers. It appears that you're sacrificing coherent plot for the sake of the action. I'll tell you now it it's worth it or not. Writing It isn't. First, there many things that sound unprofessional, such as using phrases like "lots of". Some redundant redundancy is apparent here, as in the following: It had to be FuSoTech's palace. "That has to be FuSoTech's palace!" Raanu-G said. But after nitpicking so much above, I want to try to detract from that here and instead focus on the most important pat, which is how I like the writing in general. The answer is "very little". Probably the biggest reason why this is so (which is clearly apparent in action scenes) is that, 100% of the time, you're violating what is just about the primary rule of writing: Show, don't tell. Even when it seems like you're showing, you're actually telling. What I mean is this: instead of writing "Nightwatcher started the battle by fighting Altor," you could do a description: "In a sudden movement, he whipped around and sliced across with his sword, cutting a diagonal slash through the space where Altor was standing. Luckily for the smaller bounty hunter, his sharp reflexes saved him; he somersaulted back and was able to bring his weapon up to block Nightwatcher's next strike..." and so forth. Now, I'm not saying that you should always do that; summarizing is fine when dealing with things that may not interest the reader. (Do not do a page-long description of a character wiping off his sweaty brow, for example.) A character may be recalling the events of the morning. But this should be done in every scene; otherwise, it's not a story, but a plot summary. This is especially appropriate in action scenes, where it's infinitely more effective than dry telling. This may require more work, but if you're not prepared to do it, then don't write. It's that simple. Feel This section would normally be about the pace, the mood, and the characterization, but I have to ask: What pace? What mood? What characterization? You haven't done any work on these at all. The pace is nonexistent; the story is filled solely with badly-written action, and it depends on us knowing everything about the characters already so you don't have to show how they act. Overall I'm sorry, TF, but this is not a story I would recommend to a friend. This is the kind of story I would recommend to an enemy. If it were published as a novel, I would not read it. This needs a lot (a lot, a lot, a lot) of work. '''Grade: D (I would have given it a D-, but the last couple of chapters show improvement, if only marginal.) Note that since this is written in the aftermath of the events regarding Starscream7, I'm pretty upset right now. I apologize if I judged this story badly, and I'll probably edit this review once I calm down.